The Myth and Danger of Having a “Doing it Alone” Mindset

There is danger in developing the "doing it alone" habit. What started me thinking on this is there is a comment I’ve been hearing a lot lately. It has to do with being stuck and feeling challenged.

And that comment is "I can do it alone" or “I have all the answers inside of me. I don’t need others to guide me…”

I’m curious where that belief comes from? And I'm curious what you think so be sure to comment below...

To be upfront, I have a strong opinion about why I think it works against people who take this on…

When Reaching Out For Help Is Needed

It’s admirable for people to want to take responsibility for their personal life challenges.
And I think people can get confused about this belief and when it may be more appropriate to reach out for help.

It is my experience that the idea of, “doing it alone” is an adaptation to what a person didn’t get growing up. Healthy support. I used to be one of those people.
Here is something to think about...

Most of our habits are designed to guarantee our survival. We learn these patterns while in some kind of relationship to others. Good or bad.

If the problem was created within a relationship, doesn’t it make sense that it also needs to get cleared up... in relationship?

Let's investigate further…

Memory Influences Us

Science shows that our memory system is influencing 80-95% of our daily thinking. So we need to pay attention to the results we get. If we are not happy with the result we are getting, we take responsibility for what we might be doing that is contributing to that.
We want to know what causes us to drift off course.

I don’t know about you, but when I think of nearly ANY problem I have it usually involves others.

And if our memory is constantly influencing us, then quite possibly experiences that were unsafe from the past may be impacting the current situation. It influences the decision to either "do it alone" or reach out.

Don't be reckless, err on the side of reaching out when needed.

The practice of "reaching out" also "updates" your memory system if you have a more positive experience. The more "experiences you have to "dis-confirm" the old belief the better!

The Mistrust Option...

I also think this phrase is sometimes used as a cover up for an unconscious mis-trust of people.

Let's talk for a moment about the idea of doing it alone. Like I said, in some of my coaching calls I've noticed this pattern with people. They get this idea that they have all the answers inside. Then they develop this attitude that they have to do everything alone.

It has good intentions but most often fails. After working with hundreds of people over the past 20 years, most of the justifications are not based in facts.

What I see happening with people is when they think they have to do it alone, they're not considering the implications as it relates to the original source of the problem. (That makes them think they have to do it alone in the first place.) Many times, the problem began early in life in relationship with another person.

This is a time in our development when we are actually incapable of effectively rationalizing all the possible things that might be going on. Our limited ability causes us to take on thinking to adapt to the situation or future situations that resemble it. This is how dysfunctional beliefs get formed.

What ends up happening then, is our early life beliefs may be inaccurate about current day problems that may look similar but the context is not the same.

In other words, the filters we are listening or responding through today are causing us to make decisions that are not grounded in current reality. They are focused on the past. We are leaving out critical information. You’ll know this to be true or no, based on the outcomes you are getting. (If you are happy with your results then carry on!)

So doesn’t it makes the most sense to clear issues up with the person in real time today? This way your memory system has a chance to be “re-informed”.

For more information on how to know if you are being influenced by past memories to your detriment here is an article I wrote a while back on resistance.

Do We Have The Answers Inside Us?

We've just explored that when I have a belief that I have to do it alone, it can be a mask used to cover up my mistrust of other people.

But there is another issue here...

It’s easy to get confused between “I have all the answers inside of me” and “how do I resolve my issues with someone who has no idea what I went through.”
Let's take each one separately...

At a quantum physics level we probably all have the answers inside of us. But have we trained ourselves to know how to tap into that? Do we have self-esteem issues in the way? Simple belief systems can block us.

Maybe you mistrust men because you were emotionally or physically violated when you were younger. Or maybe you mistrust women because you feel abandoned by your mom whatever that might be.

Our Story Is Unique

The other issue is not trusting others because we think our "story" is so unique. We say to ourselves, "They'll never understand!" Once again, this kind of thinking is a defensive maneuver to play into fear.

After coaching hundreds of people over the past 20 years I can reassure you every person's story is unique. And I find the overarching patterns are the same. Examples include how to process emotions effectively. Ways to change a belief system.

Resolution of trauma that is blocking your success.

Now let's switch gears and discuss the real issue: Not Trusting Ourselves

Not Trust Ourselves...

There is another big reason for investigating this Dilemma of "Doing it alone". In most cases I’ve worked with, when we don’t trust others there is a pretty good chance we don’t trust ourselves as well.

When we investigate our assumptions and inferences enough times we begin to learn better discernment. When we discern better we trust ourselves more.

Let's look at an example: Imagine hearing something in a conversation that makes you pull back. There's a pretty good chance you instantaneously ran that information through a filter and it was based on old information – past information. A memory...

A good practice: if you want to start building more trust for yourself or men or women then listen to them without those filters. Practice noticing your personal filters and removing them. Use filters that enhance the relationship. Here is a tool that can help you to change this dynamic. [9 step process tool]

Your goal is to see in slow motion how your past is leaking into the present and how it’s influencing you.

And please don’t make it wrong that you have listening filters. All people have them. It’s part of life. There is nothing wrong with them especially when you learn to use them in your favor.

Testing In the Real World

Now, let’s put this in a real world context and wrap up this article…
Imagine for a moment you're in a heated conversation, having a negative reaction in your body, and pulling away.

If you were using the principles we’ve discussed above you would turn to that person and say, “can we pause for a moment because I'm noticing I'm pulling back.” And "I’m unable to hear you right now because I'm shutting down or preoccupied with some negative thoughts.” (I go into great details about these skills in my How to Stop Fighting and Arguing Couples Communications program as well)

The key, is to say those words in such a way that you're curious why you're shutting down or why you're pulling away.

This is also a great practice for taking responsibility about your history and not blaming the other person for your reaction.

The amount of curiosity you have will assist you in getting to the underlying memory that is getting triggered.

Wrap Up...

When you approach your life this way, you are inching your way towards liberation.
Over time, as you practice curiosity, you are conditioning your unconscious mind to communicate to you where your intention is coming from.

Today, when I practice this I know what filter I used and my intention within milliseconds of scanning myself for “what just happened.” It’s very empowering to know once you make this internal adjustments to your memory-nervous system, that your life continually gets better. Life trauma’s no longer have a grip on you.

Play the video above back a couple more times if you're still sorting this out. It’s worth the extra time spent because this is a common problem for all humans.

Post your questions below in the comments to let me know what questions you have or need clarity about and we’ll create a little dialogue going there.

And please share this with your friends. That’s how we build a community where we all become stronger as a result.

So thanks for today. Enjoy the rest of your day. And I appreciate all your comments. Thank you.